Sex After Childbirth

The Rebirth of Intimacy - Originally shared at ‘Sex Camp’ in 2012

I’ll admit, I had a massive amount of resistance to naming this piece ‘Sex After Childbirth’. I worried the word sex would immediately conjure up images of standard intercourse and let’s be completely real, for a while after having a baby, that can be the absolute last thing on your radar, or even physically off the table.

When we talk about postpartum sex, we need to mentally swap that word out for intimacy. We are talking about re-establishing connection, rebuilding the bridge to your partner, and rediscovering your own skin. My ultimate goal here is to give you hope. You can build an intimate life that is deeper and more profound than what you had before, if you just give yourself the grace to let it evolve.

The Raw Reality

For a long time, my own birth story felt deeply traumatic. I was completely unprepared for the reality of what went down. My birth plan went out the window, my worst fears were realised, and the postpartum period hit me like a freight train, bringing postnatal depression with it.

Don’t get me wrong. I was profoundly grateful for my healthy baby girl. But in those early weeks and months, I felt completely abandoned. It felt like the entire world, the hospital system, and all the information out there was obsessively geared towards pregnancy and birth. Then, the moment you pop the baby out and leave the hospital? The support system vanishes overnight.

I was left alone in the dark. I was trying to process a traumatic birth and recover physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually on my own. All while dealing with severe sleep deprivation, cracked nipples, and a beautiful but screaming, colicky baby. Some days were so overwhelming I didn’t know how I’d make it to 5 PM. But I did.

“As the saying goes, sometimes you need the darkness to see the stars.”

The Descent of Inanna (Our Shared Birth Journey)

Going through that matrix forced me to look at pregnancy and birth through a completely different lens. It is a literal Heroine’s Journey. To understand what happens to a woman’s psyche during this time, we can look to an ancient myth that perfectly mirrors the postpartum experience: The Descent of Inanna.

Inanna was a powerful goddess who heard a call from the “Great Below”the underworld. She leaves her comfortable, glorious life and prepares for a journey from which no traveler returns. She brings her finest clothes and symbols of power.

But the underworld has seven gates. At every single gate, the guard forces her to strip away one of her garments. By the time she reaches the throne room, she is entirely naked, raw, and vulnerable. There, she is judged harshly, turned into a corpse, and hung from a hook on the wall. She has to experience a complete death of her old self.

After three days, her loyal ally, Ninshubur (representing her higher self, and/or her village), realises she’s gone and starts beating the drum for her, rallying help. To save her, the god Enki creates two unique, gentle creatures, the kurgarra and the galatur. They go down into the underworld, but they don’t try to “fix” things immediately. First, they sit with the pain. They witness the suffering. They validate how awful it is. Only then do they sprinkle the food and water of life onto Inanna, and she rises.

Before she can ascend, the rulers of the underworld demand a sacrifice. She can’t just pretend the underworld didn’t happen. She returns to the upper world changed, fierce, and surrounded by her demons, until she finds the deep inner wisdom and self-compassion to integrate her experience and truly stand her ground. Whole and Free!

The Modern Blueprint: Preparation and Ordeal

This myth is the ultimate blueprint for matrescence - the birth of a mother.

The Preparation: This is the pregnancy phase. We read the books, buy the pram, and pack the bag. But we also have to face our “tigers.” We need to look at our deepest fears. Whether it’s an emergency C-section (like me), losing our modesty and inhibitions, or being seen at our most primal, raw, and wild.
The Ordeal: Labor begins, and just like Inanna, we hit those seven gates. We experience seven mini-deaths. We shed our old skin, our ego, our control, our coping mechanisms, and our self-judgment to make way for the birth.

Postpartum Allies: What TO and NOT to Say

When you are hanging on that hook in the underworld trying to heal, you need the right kind of allies. You don’t need people invalidating your experience.

❌ What NOT to Say/Do

At least you have a healthy baby.” (This completely erases the mother’s trauma.)
Try to “toxic-positivity” your way out of the pain of discomfort.
Rush her to “bounce back” physically or sexually.
Expect her to look or act like her pre-baby self.

✅ What TO Say/Do”

“Wow, this is so incredibly hard. You are going through it right now, and I see you.”
Validate the raw, messy reality without trying to put a bow on it.
Bring food, fold laundry, and shield her from external judgment.
Remind her that she is undergoing a massive, sacred transformation.

Re-engaging with Intimacy: The New Paradigm

Once you have risen from the underworld, you are a different woman. You cannot simply go back to the old way you used to do intimacy. You have been reborn, and your sexuality needs a software update.

This is the empowering part. It’s time to explore intimacy on a clean slate. To do that, we have to look at three things:

Your Sexual Hungers: What does your body actually crave right now? Is it physical touch without expectation? Deep, uninterrupted eye contact? Or just feeling safe, warm, and held?
The Lover’s Masks: Pre-baby, you might have worn the mask of the seductress, the playful girlfriend, or the romantic. Right now, your mask might be the Wild Woman, the Vulnerable Queen, or the Sensual Creature who needs slow, soft awakening.
A New Way to Explore: Intimacy after a baby is about removing the pressure of the “finish line.” It’s about skin-to-skin contact, breathing together, self-pleasure to reconnect with your own nerve endings, and learning how to articulate what feels good now, because your old map won’t work on your new terrain.

When you have nothing left to lose, and you’ve faced the darkest parts of postpartum life, you realise how incredibly strong you are. That is where true, unfiltered sexual empowerment actually begins.

Join the Conversation

I want to open up the comments section to you. No question or thought is too taboo, too TMI, or too silly here.

To help me tailor the next post in this motherhood series, what specific challenges have you faced with postpartum intimacy? Are you a new mum navigating this now, or a partner trying to find your way back in? Let me know in the comments below.

And if you would like to deep dive into your own healing journey take a look at the following…

The Integrated Birthing Journey

The Three Phases of Matrescence

And I also HIGHLY recommend Sheila Kitzinger’s book “Sex & Birth”